Now and then

Taylor works in Logan once a week. He was there yesterday. The kids wanted to go to a park, but we are yet to find one here where I don't have to constantly follow Kyle around. It made me think about the Zoo Park in Logan where there was a good playset for the little ones. Since Taylor was already there we decided to make a spontaneous trip up for a picnic in the park.

I've only been back once since we left in August, and that was for graduation in December so it's been a while. It's no secret that I didn't love Logan. It's not Logan's fault. In fact I think I'm the only person who has ever lived there who didn't love it and wanted to leave. It's lovely. It's slow-paced. We lived across the street from horses. The mountains were moments away. We could see the temple from our bedroom window. And yet, I did a happy dance (literally) when we moved.

As we drove around yesterday I couldn't help but think that things were exactly as we'd left them, only very different. It was strange to see things without the weight of the world on my shoulders. Rewind 2.5 years, and you'll remember that we moved to Logan 6 weeks before Kyle was born. Taylor commuted for the first semester to West Valley every day and went to school full-time. I was alone with Claire and very pregnant. We had Kyle, Taylor quit his job (and thus we lost insurance benefits and a salary), I had my eye removed, I had no friends, and then things got worse with my eye. That was all in the first 6 months we lived there. Logan and I got off to a rocky start. We were poor; I was disfigured; I had two tiny babies; Taylor was at school/work all day; and I was very alone. It was my hardest, most painful two years yet.

Yesterday at the park I thought how different it felt there to be light and free. To not have endless worries. It was wonderful. Our life is so much more stable now. We have a home, income, and my face is almost back to acceptable. We drove past our little townhouse. The flowers Claire and I grew from a seed were starting to come back to life. It was as if I could close my eyes and walk inside. My mind flashed to bringing Kyle home from the hospital and walking in that door. We parked in the back to see the yard where we spent so much time. Aside from our swingset missing, everything was much the same---down to our old broken yellow hose still coiled by the back door. This is where Claire and Kyle were small. For those moments I will always be grateful. For long afternoons spent reading and watching Claire play on the swingset. For all of the barbecues and evening spent with our family eating outdoors followed by Frisbee until bedtime, I will be grateful. Those moments are in my heart and in my scrapbook.

And for the weight of the world that was so heavy on me while I was there; I left it there. Consciously but not effortlessly. I think I will continue to visit occasionally, to look back on who I was and how far we've come.