Bullying

Last night I spoke at a New Beginnings for a ward in Tremonton. I love speaking to young women, and I get to do it a handful of times every year---which is just enough for me. The last four times I have spoken I have been working on a completely new theme (as opposed to my ever-evolving standard presentation that began in 2001). I talk about gaining a new perspective on beauty. I use a few quotes from Elder Ballard's talk on Mothers and Daughters from the April 2010 conference.

One quote I use is: "In recent years there has been a rash of articles, books, and films written about women and girls who gossip and who are 'mean.' Satan is always attempting to undermine the most precious element of a woman’s divine nature—the nature to nurture."

Sometimes I leave it at that. And sometimes, when prompted by the Spirit, I share my experience with mean girls. Just typing that makes my heart pound. So here goes: I was bullied for a number of years---not in school, but in church. How weird is that? I feel lucky that it was just one day, sometimes two days a week that I dealt with it. Somehow once we got to school the girls who would torment me on Sundays (and usually during the weeknight church-sponsored activity) suddenly shrunk into the walls at school, almost completely unnoticed. I had a lot of friends in school, and for that I was lucky---in Hollywood terms I was probably on the "B-list" of popularity (and the A-list as far as grades). And while I had my share of encounters with other "Mean Girls" in school, I'm not going to delve into that---as my Sabbath day encounters seem to have had more far-reaching consequences.

I know that people have it worse (in fact a lady came up last night and told me just how much worse she had it, also at church), but every Sunday it seemed like there were three groups of girls: The Tormentors (which included ring leaders and followers), the Tormented (me and five or six other girls), and then a lucky few girls who somehow were in neither group. I think we became part of the Tormented group because we knew the answers to gospel questions and cared to discuss them---to put in bluntly I always thought of it in regards to testimony: the Haves and Have Nots.

Either way, that's how it was. Every Sunday we were mocked for how we looked, what we wore, what we said in class, and anything else worth knocking down. I don't remember a lot of the specifics---I've really tried to block it out. I remember discussing it at length with my parents and trying for a while to attend a ward with a friend---but I missed my family.

Girl's Camp was the epitome of miserable. I remember two specific years where I had very high hopes for a wonderful camp experience, only to wake up one night to find my face and hands and arms were covered with shaving cream. Another time two of us were smart enough to stay in our own tent away from all the other girls where we could put a lock on the zipper, but time after time the Tormentors managed to take our tent apart while we were sleeping. Another year they managed to put my tent-mate's sleeping bag and all of her belongings in the river---leaving her without anything dry to protect again the cold Heber-mountain nights. All because her D-cup drew more attention from boys than their trainer bras.

At the end of camp there is a traditional testimony meeting. While almost everyone got up and bore their testimony of the truths of the gospel, the Tormentors took it as their opportunity for an annual apology---literally going around the campfire and "apologizing" for all the horrible things said and done with explanations of jealousy and misunderstandings. One year my mom and I took a girl to her home after camp was over. As she got out of the car she announced, "I'm never coming back to church." And I don't think she ever did. I was lucky; although their bullying profoundly affected me, I know that it affected other girls more. The tormenting of our teenage years has forever affected their lives and life choices.

You might wonder where the leaders were. I know they were there. I know they must have known. Maybe they were scared too? ONE TIME one of them said something. Once. All I can guess is that they must have had the strategy to befriend the Tormentors, because it sure seemed like they were good friends.

You might also wonder why I'm sharing this. It's certainly not to prove how great I am for surviving this. To be honest, I still tremble when I see these girls! (I know, isn't that ridiculous? I'm all grown up with a college degree and a long list of accomplishments, and they still affect me). I know that through the wonders of cyberspace and facebook, some of them will read this, and for that reason I've started and deleted this post a number of times. But last night when that woman shared with me what her fellow campers did to her at girls camp, I felt a strange comradery, and a little bit more healed.  I figured it was time to share. Because if it happened to me and the girls I grew up with, it certainly happened and happens to other people---whether it was at church or school.

So what can be done about it? Two things. First: Do something! Whether we are currently now or will be in the future, a lot of us are leaders and teachers of youth groups at some point. Do we turn our heads when someone bullies someone else, or do we say something about it? (I will forever remember and praise the name of the leader, Ginger, who finally stood up to the Tormentors---one time). Don't let it happen. It's not funny. It's never okay. Related to this category, I have to believe that their parents knew what was going on. As parents we have a responsibility to teach our children to be good---we can't just hang our heads and say we don't know what to do. Do something! Honestly I blame the parents almost as much as the girls.

Secondly I want to put in a plug for the Buddy Box, developed by the last Miss Utah's Outstanding Teen. If your kids don't have it in their schools, talk to their principal about getting it. Check out the website for all the information: http://buddybox.org . It's basically a locked box that is somewhere in their school where students can anonymously report bullying. It's proven to work, and I think every school needs one.

Lastly, this has to be said. I know that this happens in a lot of situations, religious and secular. I don't blame the Church at all. I know that the gospel is not the people who live it. As Elder Ballard said, this is Satan's plan, and we certainly were not immune to it just because we were gathered in a religious context. My experiences did not affect my faith, and I don't think for a minute that this only happens among LDS groups. I think bullying happens wherever a bunch of people are together and one or two people decide it's fun to degrade other people. But as Elder Ballard also said, the most precious element of our nature as women is the nature to nurture. We can give and do so much for others, why would we waste our time doing anything else?