Today I am having a hard day. A number of things have been minor irritations today. But one thing in particular has bugged me. While the kids finish up their breakfasts I usually go through my daily blogs and check out what’s happening on Facebook. Maya was here this morning for a few hours before Pre-School, so I had some extra time while the three kids ran after the cats. One thing kept sticking out to me was pictures people have with their kids. Just about everyone has a picture of a close up of themselves with their kids’s chubby cheeks smashed against their own. But I just don’t have those. I’m quite anti being in pictures since everything happened with my face. About 90% of pictures I’ve seen of myself (and 100% of the close-ups) since the surgery make my stomach ache. Seriously.
Some days I think I’m really over it. That it’s okay to look how I look. That it doesn’t bother me anymore. And other days I’d rather just give up and never go anywhere and never take a single picture again. Once on TV I saw an opera star who had been famous a number of years ago. She quit at the peak of her career. She never sang another note because she wanted her last note to be remembered as absolutely perfect. And I can see that that is a copout. I know that a lot of things get better with age. Seven months away from being 30 I think most things about me are better now than when I was 20. Some things are way better.
And some are worse. I’m not near my ideal weight. But I’m still in my reproductive stage (hopefully), so sometimes that doesn’t bother me. But then it does bother me when I see these pictures of close ups. Sometimes I know it’s close up because the person is thinking “The rest of me may not be ideal, but my eyes and face still look great.” Sometimes it bugs me that I don’t have that option.
I think maybe I’ll just start wearing sunglasses in most pictures. Or going for the look pictured above.
The best part of this is that I speak about this in my firesides---accepting yourself and not focusing on the outside appearance. And I do believe it. I do. I’m just not perfect at it yet. Most days are fine. Some days are great. Today is not one of those days…
It's sad for me that someone as beautiful as you would feel this way about herself. I wish life was perfect. I wish you didn't have to have your eye removed, I wish I could have borne 6 children, I wish Zane didn't have DS, etc, etc, etc. and on and on. You are simply an amazing person with so many talents that sometimes even that doesn't seem fair. I hope you never have another hard day. But when you do, remember how much I think of you and how much you are loved and maybe it will help just a little bit. I love the picture. I love you.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has days when they don't feel good about themselves. I think you're entitled to a few extra days of that. :)
ReplyDeleteYou know you are beautiful. You can feel it when your husband checks you out. You can feel it when your kids idolize you and smother you with hugs and kisses. And yet sometimes it's still hard to be that kind to ourselves. Don't beat yourself up about it.
I think my best advice would be to try to distract yourself from those feelings by doing something that makes you feel worthwhile (a hobby, cleaning, baking, getting a pedicure, playing with your kids, whatever). And in the meantime know that plenty of people love you and are rooting for you to be happy.
PS-I'll work on taking my own advice too. :) Love ya!
Jackie, you're amazing. Your blogs are so sincere and honest. Thanks for writing about hard days. I tend to ignore those and just blog about the things that are going right....but its not very truthful to how life is. I'm not pretending that I know everything you have or are experiencing, but whether you believe it or not, I've always thought that you are beautiful...and not only that, but you have so many qualities that make you much more.
ReplyDeleteI have times when I look in the mirror or at a picture of me and think- blah...
ReplyDeleteOther times I look in the mirror and think- Hey- I look good! I just try and treasure those moments and forget the others.
Thank you for this blog entry. I think your honesty has made you that much more beautiful in my eyes. I too was having a hard day, looking older, having extra baby weight on me etc, etc...But I do know that I have to learn to like myself, imperfections and all! And just like you, sometimes I am okay with myself. Love you Jackie!!! Thank you again!
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