Hard Day

Today I am having a hard day. A number of things have been minor irritations today. But one thing in particular has bugged me. While the kids finish up their breakfasts I usually go through my daily blogs and check out what’s happening on Facebook. Maya was here this morning for a few hours before Pre-School, so I had some extra time while the three kids ran after the cats. One thing kept sticking out to me was pictures people have with their kids. Just about everyone has a picture of a close up of themselves with their kids’s chubby cheeks smashed against their own. But I just don’t have those. I’m quite anti being in pictures since everything happened with my face. About 90% of pictures I’ve seen of myself (and 100% of the close-ups) since the surgery make my stomach ache. Seriously.

Some days I think I’m really over it. That it’s okay to look how I look. That it doesn’t bother me anymore. And other days I’d rather just give up and never go anywhere and never take a single picture again. Once on TV I saw an opera star who had been famous a number of years ago. She quit at the peak of her career. She never sang another note because she wanted her last note to be remembered as absolutely perfect. And I can see that that is a copout. I know that a lot of things get better with age. Seven months away from being 30 I think most things about me are better now than when I was 20. Some things are way better.

And some are worse. I’m not near my ideal weight. But I’m still in my reproductive stage (hopefully), so sometimes that doesn’t bother me. But then it does bother me when I see these pictures of close ups. Sometimes I know it’s close up because the person is thinking “The rest of me may not be ideal, but my eyes and face still look great.” Sometimes it bugs me that I don’t have that option.

I think maybe I’ll just start wearing sunglasses in most pictures. Or going for the look pictured above.

The best part of this is that I speak about this in my firesides---accepting yourself and not focusing on the outside appearance. And I do believe it. I do. I’m just not perfect at it yet. Most days are fine. Some days are great. Today is not one of those days…

Weird

This has happened to me a couple times. And I’ve wanted to comment about it on Facebook, but for reasons later explained you’ll see why I couldn’t.

 

I am friends with a number of people I don’t really know on Facebook. Pageants do that to you. That’s why I don’t have pictures of my kids on facebook. I don’t really know these people, let alone the people they are married to and/or living with. Usually the name sounds familiar and I accept the friendship. Then I forget about them. Or block them. Sometimes my brain makes strange connections and remembers who they are and how I know them. Today while I was making triple chocolate pound cake (it’s just out of the oven, I haven’t tried it yet, but the dough was divine---in fact I consciously had 1/2 cup of it for lunch!) I suddenly made a connection as to whom one of my “friends” is and who they are. The problem was that my friend had changed so much in appearance and values and basically everything that I was SHOCKED to remember the person I knew 10 years ago. I am so intrigued, in fact, that I really want to message my “friend” and say: “What in the world happened to you? What made you make these choices? And how can I prevent this from happening to my child?” But tact stops me. We are all free to make our own choices. It’s just that I don’t want my kids to make ANY of those choices. And I want to know why/how this drastic, drastic change happened.

 

So I’m writing it here. Does this happen to you? Doesn’t it freak you out? Lots of people turn out for the better. In fact it’s so refreshing to me to see most of my childhood friends grow up to confident, decent, and loving parents. It gives me hope for the world. But then there is that handful of people that just leave me wondering. Like today.

 

And really, check out the link to that cake recipe.